A Flower’s Shade Page 9
"Let me tell you, this isn't a good place at all." Miss Yu said secretively.
There was a row of rosewood bookshelves in the Mystery Chambers, and Miss Yu resolutely put her hand out, extracting a copybook encased in dust. Evidently, before his death Old Master Zhen had developed a strong interest in calligraphy. In fact, the decision to have his daughter study calligraphy a tutor might have been the only good decision her father had made regarding her upbringing. The number of copybooks attracted Miss Yu's attention, and before opening the one she had taken, she blew with all her strength to get the dust off it. The dust flew all around them. Huaifu was approaching and the dust blurred his vision. He rubbed his eyes hard to get the dust out.
Miss Yu casually took out another copybook, and then right away another one. She suddenly took out an album. The album was rather heavy, and when she dropped it, its pages scattered over the floor.
Both Huaifu and Miss Yu had the fright of their lives.
They were erotic drawings, obscene and ridiculous.
13
Without any hesitation, Miss Yu brought the erotic drawings back to her rooms. Shortly after they had left the Mystery Chambers, she had felt a nagging compunction, because it gave her an ill-defined feeling of shame that Huaifu would know about this. She reflected that she ought to have gone covertly and alone to the Mystery Chambers; she ought to have removed the album without a soul knowing, living or dead.
Returning to her own rooms, her worries vanished entirely. She remembered that she was the mistress of this Estate, and didn't need to worry about what other people would think. Huaifu was just something like a servant, and there was no reason to consider him. She realized how much she wanted to see what really was in the album drawings, she knew that it would be like her repeated readings of The Plum in the Golden Vase: she would shut herself up in her room, and devoting herself to the appreciation of the erotic drawings. She would give herself up to these irrepressible sensations.
The weather was growing rapidly warmer. It seemed like the last hurrah of spring, and in the pool in the back of the Zhen Estate, the frogs were beginning to croak. Miss Yu appeared a little uneasy. Dinner had long been over, and she had been unable to concentrate herself on her calligraphy exercises. Because she hadn't been able to concentrate, she did an extra hour of practice. Under Kang Tuo's tutelage, her copies of Ode to the Stone Gates were technically much improved. Once Huaifu had blown the opium for her, she had dismissed him rather urgently.
Now she was finally alone in her room and could look at the erotic album. She was stealing looks at the pictures, but she was still embarrassed, and quickly broke out in innocent laughter. The album was highly imaginative, and its exaggerated deformations and humorous set-ups complemented each other, diluting its erotic charge. Late and alone in the night, with the croaking of the frogs, Miss Yu grew deeply absorbed and did not notice at all that Huaifu, who had returned to his bedchamber, was now concealed outside her window, spying on her from behind the lowered bamboo blind. It would never have occurred to her. On the other hand, Huaifu seemed to have guessed what was on Miss Yu's mind, he knew the truth behind her hasty dismissal of him.
In his heart of hearts, Huaifu wanted even more urgently than Miss Yu to examine the erotic drawings. Although Miss Yu was quite near the window, Huaifu had no way of getting a clear look at the drawings. All he could see was that there were men and women in the drawings, and that they were naked as the day they were born, or in any event they had no pants on, their limbs were all free, and locked in an embrace like they were fighting. Huaifu could only roughly guess whether the drawings were amusing or not by the expressions on Miss Yu's face. She would look at one drawing with glad excitement, then another with a grave face of decency, and then she would close her lips and titter. In the end she was so amused by the ridiculous aspect of the drawings that she burst into laughter.
At Miss Yu's giggling, Huaifu placed his head against the wall and panted for breath. He couldn't understand why Miss Yu would burst into laughter at such a time. For a moment, he thought his spying had been discovered, but then he realized almost instantly that this was not possible. She was too engrossed in the album to wonder whether someone might be spying on her. Huaifu suddenly realized what a disgrace it would be if Miss Yu really did discover his spying. A feeling of repentance welled up from the bottom of the heart. He struck himself on the forehead and left.
"Shameless, really shameless." Huaifu quietly cursed himself as he crossed the courtyard and looked at the star-filled sky, "I'm a damned subhuman!"
Though he pounded himself on the head, though he cursed himself again and again, Huaifu discovered that he could not calm down. Returning to his own room, he acted like a baited bear, knocking about without rhyme or reason. There were strings hanging from the wall, on which Miss Yu's calligraphy was attached by bamboo clips. Whenever she was doing her calligraphy, if she happened to write a character with which she was not satisfied, she would crumple it and throw it into the wastepaper basked. Huaifu had surreptitiously removed the characters from the basket, smoothed them all, and hung them for his own appreciation. Huaifu didn't know what was good and what was bad calligraphy, and the reason he liked these characters was that she had written them with her own hand. He also liked the susurrations the papers made when they rubbed against each other in a breeze. The sound made him think of his childhood, when he had first heard people telling stories in the bamboo garden.
Huaifu suddenly sat down in the darkness. He thought of the adventure in the dusk at the Mystery Chambers and then thought about how Miss Yu was now secretly studying the erotic drawings. What would she think once she had seen the drawings? His thoughts galloped unbridled through his mind, and he found himself remembering the wet dream he had had after meeting Miss Yu for the second time. When she had seen these obscene erotic drawings, what had Miss Yu been laughing about? Countless men and women without pants on appeared before Huaifu's mind's eye, and naked below the waist the men and women were chasing each other back and forth across an endless grassland, playing some games and holding each other tightly, like children in a fight. Huaifu imagined himself as one of the people without pants on. He knew that the only way to calm himself now was to think of nothing, to climb into bed and go to sleep. It would be wonderful if he could now lay his head on the pillow and start snoring right away; if only he could start dreaming right away, he didn't even take his clothes off, he just threw himself in misery on the bed. At that moment, having experienced so much emotion, Huaifu knew he wouldn't be able to sleep. He knew that there was something he really did not want to do at all, but that it patiently waited for him. He never wanted to do it, but in the end he always did.
He had felt remorse on account of this idiotic habit numberless times. Helplessly, he walked over to one of the characters that hung there. When he had unclasped his tight belt, and taken out his faithful companion, he faced the calligraphy which rustled and trembled in the wind. He could hardly prevent himself from crying.
14
Once more, not long after emerging from her bath, Miss Yu had gone from being a spinster to a very real woman in the twinkling of an eye. The change was really too sudden, and even Miss Yu, who had prepared herself for it mentally, was bowled over. Before she realized it, something had happened. It was as though everything had been predetermined, as though everything about her fate was fixed. Miss Yu had been too ripe, so ripe that the fruit had fallen from the stem all by itself. Perhaps it had all been inevitable.
Ever since the bathtub's installation, Miss Yu had become passionate about bathing. She liked to fill the bathtub to the brim, and to soak in the bath like a dumpling. She liked the way she looked naked. She liked how the buoyancy of water teased her body. Before she had left, Mrs. Wu had always been the one to bathe her. This had been her habit since childhood, and ended only when Miss Yu had dismissed her from the Zhen Estate. Mrs. Wu was an impatient woman, and under her control, there had been nothing very a
musing about bathing. Mrs. Wu had always scrubbed her down very quickly, and then immediately had her get dressed, as if a second's delay would cause her to catch cold. Once she had tried to go naked to see herself in the mirror, and Mrs. Wu had overreacted, threatening to tell Old Master Zhen of it.
Miss Yu, soaked to the bone, only emerged from the bathtub when the hot water had all but completely cooled. Since Mrs. Wu had controlled her too much, Miss Yu now liked after her bath to do everything herself. She liked to put on the loose bathrobe and sit in front of her dressing table to do her make-up, filled with admiration for the image in the mirror. She liked to comb her hair slowly, coiling her hair in different styles. She liked to deploy her appreciation to gather back the youth which was deserting her.
It was a very hot night. Miss Yu, having just finished her bath, her forehead steadily perspiring, was sitting in front of the dressing table, her clothing disheveled, combing her hair. Feeling too hot, she called for Huaifu to come fan her. When he arrived with the fan, Miss Yu took a towel to rub away the dripping sweat, and continued to coil her hair, her one hand hanging in mid-air. Her hair was now coiled high, and she was wondering how she ought to fix it in place. Very patiently, she looked at herself in the mirror, and without meaning to do so, her gaze drifted to the reflection of Huaifu's eyes in the mirror. She noted the male desire in Huaifu's eyes. His eyes were fixed embarrassingly on Miss Yu's half-hidden high breasts. It was obvious that he had been peeking for some time, but Miss Yu had failed to notice.
"Hey, what are you looking at?" Miss Yu, looking down, now saw that her high breasts were peeking out from her loose clothing. At the thought that her own breasts were being gazed at by a man, her face went red. Not long before, as she had been soaking in the tub, Miss Yu had been fondling her restless nipples, wondering what kind of passions they might stir if men were to see them. Doubtless a man's eyes would see them sooner or later. Despite herself, she had been thinking of Xiaoyun. What would Xiaoyun do if he saw them? Thinking of the tone he set with those dark glasses, Miss Yu all but laughed. With those glasses on, Xiaoyun could stare at them unswervingly. They were such adorable little playthings, and yet they had never been seen by a man.
Instead Huaifu had become the first man to see them. Once her instinctive blush had passed, Miss Yu was not really very angry. Since she had been given such a nice thing, there was nothing against having men see them. Huaifu had seen them first—that was his good fortune. Miss Yu straightened out her collar and rolled her eyes at Huaifu. Huaifu stood like a man who's had an electric shock, his gaze timorously moving off. An enormous fear enveloped him like a huge net. The frogs were croaking irritatingly; Miss Yu, taking note of Huaifu's look of misery, snickered disdainfully. "You hopeless lug. So you saw them. What are you so afraid of?" Privately she was thinking that what men really needed a little backbone, and that in this department Xiaoyun was better than Huaifu. Huaifu was too gormless, too much the honest country bumpkin, and certain still to be innocent of women.
Miss Yu suddenly rose and walked over to the opium bed where she threw herself on her side. Without waiting for orders, Huaifu discarded the fan and obediently approached. With a crackle he struck a match and used it to light the opium lamp, then he began to vaporize the opium pill for Miss Yu. Miss Yu looked at Huaifu unabashedly. Huaifu seemed to know that Miss Yu was looking at him, and he squirmed uneasily. He lifted the opium pipe and blew the smoke for Miss Yu while he continued to vaporize more. The croaking of the frogs had grown weaker—it was like the intermission in a concert program. Clouds of smoke rose in front of Miss Yu, and she shut her eyes in intoxication. After a moment, she opened them again and stared at Huaifu. In that moment, the timid, honest man seemed very cute.
Miss Yu said casually, "Shall I tell you what your good points and what your bad points are?"
Huaifu looked at Miss Yu with wide-open eyes.
Miss Yu said, "Your good point is that you're obedient. Your bad point is also that you're obedient. You're a man after all, so how can you act like an obedient dog, doing whatever you're told to do."
Huaifu was dismayed, and the corners of his mouth trembled, as though he had a premonition that something was impending. He knew that Miss Yu had seen him stealing a look at her breast. Miss Yu could easily have denounced him as a lowlife, could have given him a dressing down, but she hadn't done so, she hadn't. Miss Yu took a deep breath of the smoke floating before her and said dreamily, "Huaifu, do you know what I've been thinking? I think you're just like a pet dog of mine. Like pet dog that's sometimes is very annoying, and other times not so annoying."
Huaifu wanted to say that he was indeed a dog, that he was fully willing to be a dog like that. "Will you really be my dog?" Miss Yu was already rather drowsy in the smoke. Huaifu didn't know how he ought to answer, but his expression was one of complete submission. He lay on the opium bed and fussily put away the opium things. Miss Yu burst into laughter, saying "I just knew you would be my dog!" She pressed his head down, like she really was going to treat him accordingly. He stayed there on the opium bed, on all fours like a dog. With her slender fingers, Miss Yu ran her fingers over his head as over the keys of a piano. Under her touch, Huaifu trembled. The starlight was brilliant and the frogs were loud. An irrepressible passion erupted simultaneously in the bodies of Miss Yu and Huaifu. Huaifu clumsily crawled over to Miss Yu and began to sniff like a dog about her knees. Miss Yu cackled.
Huaifu realized that he was receiving encouragement, he understood that he was doing what was desired. He sniffed and sniffed, and suddenly could no longer bridle his impulse, he suddenly threw himself on Miss Yu's stomach and clumsily embraced her, clumsily caressed her body. It was obvious that he had frightened Miss Yu half to death, but it was also obvious that Miss Yu had been hoping for such a scene. Miss Yu was a little nervous, and even more excited. She allowed him to fondle her as he liked, and breathed deeply and heavily, while her hands also caressed his body. Huaifu discovered more and more courage, and was less and less able to control his impulses. Suddenly he roughly flipped Miss Yu over on the opium bed. Miss Yu was stunned, and her face distorted into anger. She thrust him off powerfully.
This act brought Huaifu back to his senses, and he suddenly understood what he had been doing. Uncertainty and panic mingled in his eyes, and as though he had precipitated some great disaster he ran for the door. "I…" Huaifu said, having reached the door and speaking full of fear and pain and without rhyme or reason, "I…I…Damn me!" Miss Yu, blushing red, raised herself up from the opium bed and said to Huaifu, trembling at the door, "Go on, then. You didn't do anything wrong."
Huaifu was so grateful that he almost began to cry. If Miss Yu didn't hold it against him, that really was a great kindness on her part. Like a prisoner whose sentence has been commuted, he wanted to run off, but Miss Yu suddenly called him back. This situation had been entirely of her own making, she had instinctively taken to teasing the naïve Huaifu. For Miss Yu, Huaifu's fear was stimulating, she felt that now the real man wasn't Huaifu, but was Miss Yu herself. Desire was burning in her heart; she was already an old maid, she should exact her compensation for her lost youth, she found that she really wanted to know what "it" was really like. Resolutely, she shouted to him, "Don't go, Huaifu, come back here." Huaifu, dejected, had already reached the doorway, and now turned back, incredulous.
Miss Yu closed her eyes, inhaled deeply, face-up, her limbs sprawling on the opium bed, and authoritatively commanded Huaifu: "Don't be afraid, I need you to come here." Huaifu hesitated, standing still, too frightened to move. Miss Yu again repeated her invitation, this time in a forceful whisper, "Come here!"
"Come here!" These two words acted on him like a thunderbolt. Huaifu's eyes filling with tears, trembling, he solemnly approached Miss Yu. Lying face-up on the opium bed, Miss Yu suddenly opened her eyes and looked at the ceiling as she waited for Huaifu. Huaifu, reaching her, knelt down reverently.
The noisy croaking of the frogs resounded, resound
ed and then suddenly left off. In that moment of the silence, the sacred ritual was drawing to a close, and Miss Yu's hysterical cry was heard. It was a very long sound, painful in the extreme and extraordinary joyful, echoing in the night through the Estate. When the silence all around had resumed, the sky filled with the mysterious gaze of the stars, and the frogs began once again their loud croaking.
Chapter Three
1
After experiencing the bursts of passion for the first time at the age of twenty-seven, Miss Yu fell into utter indifference. Although Huaifu was a close cousin, she had no fear of incest. Nobody had ever told her how one handled sex life. As a girl raised in an atmosphere brimming with debauchery, and a girl whose sexual education had come via an erotic novel, The Plum in the Golden Vase, she had for many years been sexually repressed, a repression which had now easily exploded. It was a kind of burning fire which came out of her interior world. Miss Yu's father and brother had possessed so many women. Now that she held full power over the Zhen Estate, she had half-consciously been looking for men. For her, sex was just a kind of possession or acquisition. Men could possess or acquire women; thus women could also possess or acquire men.
The extreme pain of losing her virginity, had almost made her want to kick Huaifu off the end of the opium bed. She couldn't understand why something that seemed like so much in books was in reality so unbearable. She didn't want to blame him, since she understood that if there was anyone to blame, it was herself. She couldn't remember how she had got Huaifu to leave, in any case by the time she rose from the opium bed and walked painfully to the toilet, it was already the middle of the night, and there was no one left in the empty room but her. Huaifu had long since slipped covertly away, and the croaking outside had substantially diminished. Besides the remaining pain, all that happened seemed incredible, something already distant from her. The first man had finally appeared in her life, but the identity of this man seemed to have no importance. Men were only a sign, a tool to be made use of, a station she had to pass through on her onward journey, and one she had naturally reached.